Things are changing rapidly. The change happens right in front of my eyes. Yet, I’m helpless.
Secretly, in my heart, I yearn for things to be fine once again.
I yearn to wake up one fine morning to find out that its just been a nightmare all along.
I yearn for that one phone call from your end.
I yearn for that one meaningful, unforced conversation with you, without ego tussles, family politics, and diplomacy.
But, you are long gone. I have lost you. Lost you to that overwhelming disorder.
Lost you to alcoholism. It is so darn frustrating to watch you wither away right in front of my eyes.
Watching you being reduced to just a shadow of what you were in the past is painful.
But, there’s no escape. I must endure.
But, know this, that I can never hate you, even if I wanted to. Your alcohol-induced excesses make me mad at you, make me want to scream at you, or even manhandle you. I’ll be honest. They make me want to teach you a lesson.
The hard way.
But, I can never hate you.
Try as I may, I can never mentally give up on you.
For six long years, I’ve hoped for you to come back on your own. But you didn’t. And now, I know it for a fact that you wouldn’t.
Rehabilition and therapy were options open to you. But you just wouldn’t budge. Your adamant nature reigns supreme.
Every attempt to reach that sane person inside you has crashed against an adamantine wall of ego, false pride, and arrogance. I have always wished for you to break down one day and seek help. Help is so, so available. But, you refuse to.
But, I still have a feeling that the sane person is still alive.
Perhaps its my fault that I haven’t tried hard enough.
Perhaps I’ve given up too soon.
And this very thought drives me crazy.
The myriad emotions that grab hold of my thought process are just overwhelming : anger, hopelessness, sadness, regret, love, helplessness. I curse myself all the time for not being able to bring you back from the clutches of addiction.
When I turn the pages of old faded photo albums with pictures of happier times, pictures of you cradling ‘baby’ me in your arms, it fills me with emptiness.
Somewhere along the way, I just lost that wonderful person. We all lost you. The heart just doesn’t want to give up hope but maybe, its too late. You have crossed the point of no return.
Maybe, somethings are destined to not happen. But I’ll love you. Always. And yes, I terribly miss talking to you. Maybe deep inside, you miss me too. Just maybe.
I’ll never know if you do….