I’d like to begin this write-up with a fervent prayer that i’m on the politically correct side of things with this latest post.
I’d pray that someone doesn’t drag me to court over this. So here it goes :
This blogpost is not intended to hurt the religious sentiments of people of any religion. It is also not a sweeping generalisation, but only an unbiased observation of the society we live in. At best it is a satire. Any similiarity with any ‘real’ Baba is just a coincidence, and unintended(really!)
I found the following page of the diary of an aspiring ‘fake’ Indian baba. The ‘chanawala’ is responsible for this. He packed his ‘chana’ in this and handed me over.
“I am a failure, God- a total one. Five long years i’ve tried, but still, i haven’t been able to pass out of school. I’ve prayed to you, with utmost devotion, every morning, rising with the sun. But you couldn’t make me clear school.
Now i’m very pissed off with you. But i’m not gonna give up on you completely. Now i’m gonna make a career by selling you! And nothing can stop me now.
Believe me, my plan is foolproof.
Like Bamdev Baba and khasharam Bapu, i shall become a religious baba and offer salvation to politicians, celebrities, and millions across Indian through TV.
Salvation at a price- in lieu of tickets of Rs. 1000,2000,3000 for the ordinary people and Rs.7000 and Rs. 10000 for the political and celebrity category.
Now i’m blessed with a great growth of foliage on my face and this shall help me to grow a flowing beard in a matter of three months. In the meantime, I won’t be losing any time. I’ll learn Yoga.
Not a tough job really. Even Shilpa Shetty teaches Yoga, i hear. So i’ll buy her Yoga DVD for 250bucks. And also watch Bamdev Baba’s jumping tricks on TV. By the end of three months i’ll be perfect in terms of look and demeanour.
Now comes the tough part- to make myself temperature resistant. You see, one look at Bamdev Baba and you’ll know what i mean. Come winter, come summer, come spring, come showers, the man can be seen in nothing except his orange robe. He has really mastered that skill.
And i will too, in one more month. And the last month shall be dedicated to learning “Baba language and Baba mannerisms”.
I’ll have to take care not to have angry outburts at followers, and not to use slang in public view.
Next comes the marketing part of the job. For this i have to rope in some channel like “Raasta” channel or “ku-sanskaar” channel for a hour long slot in the prime.
Now this is tough. Because i’m not the only school drop out with a million dollar idea. What i can do is i can hire some ‘naach gana’ party to sing bhajans in my pravachans. Music always gets the TRP’s up.
Till i find a parent channel to launch myself from, i’ll sign some contracts with out of luck and out of news Hindi news channels, who will happily give me two one-hour slots in a single day.
One in the morning , other in the evening. This I find better- mutual benefit. I need a platform. They need a showman.
After some months i’m sure i’ll be a household name.
Then i shall venture into the second phase of my plans. I’ll tie up with some “jaribooti” baba from the Himalayas. Soon we shall procure some land, and open a “jaribooti” centre , ahem, beg your pardon, Ayurvedic Research Centre. The revenue will now treble.Then i’ll start my next ventures.
Like the concerts of Rockstars, i ‘ll embark on a “Bharat Jagran” yatra touring major cities.This shall be enough to keep me going for years.
With vigorous energy, i’ll teach yoga. I’ll preach celebacy or “brahmyacharya” to the youth. Not that i’m bound to practise what i preach.
When the cameras are off, i can indulge in a romp with some sultry siren cum aspiring heroine from down South (Just like young chittyananda Baba). Anti Congress, ahem, beg your pardon, anti corruption campaigns are also a great way of being in the news for me. I’m sure from time to time there will be some or the other Ganna Bechare’s anti corruption campaign to support and gain mileage from.
Great idea- i’m sure of its success.
Now let me go and start achieving now itself.
Jai ho Baba ki!!!